Now, how do I love God and His word?

im awake in the wee hours of the morning. Im listening to the most indie of indie music. Wearing a faded light blue button down with an american flag pin. My ombre hair, square framed glasses. Thinking about life.

What a hipster.
Is this really me?

Thoughts

Frank Ocean's right, no matter how lonely I feel, in reality, I'm not alone at all. It's just at this moment, at this time - I feel alone. I feel behind. I lack the mind I yearn to have.

8 months later

Wow, I was so happy with college. But my emotion is still the same even till the end with of course, some changes. Its 3:22 AM right now and I'm stuck with my summer school. I'm pretty angry at myself. Why does this class feel so hard for me? I hate when I'm complaining, but this is usually the only time I do. I'm going to read this again and feel disgusted at myself. ahah. 3rd quarter is probably going to be the most vivid quarter of my life, but then I only had 1 3rd quarter but whatever. I remembered that God was going to do something in my life. I thought AACF and Edge would help my faith grow, but something was missing; no matter how many times I read the bible, I didn't know who God is. I can't say I know God now with this bible study, but my eyes are opened. But it's weird that I'm here...learning this "revealed word." It did make my 3rd quarter really hard. I took more units: 17. always woke up early and slept late. I couldn't stand looking at people and life. I don't remember the last time I felt so alone. It's weird to wonder what goes on in people's minds. I tell them "you should really do this bible study!" "yea sure." Imagine if someone said that exact thing to me; I would be like totally! but of course, that's me. I wanted something more - I wanted to understand. But do I really understand? Is it only just in my head. Where's my body? I don't know how to live as a Christian anymore. I don't know what to do, how to live my faith walk. I asked Sarah teacher today. She did somewhat explain it but I feel so separated from the world. I know Writing 39C will not go well. I havent done a single assignment since that Introductory Blog and I read the prompt; I'm stuck. It's supposed to be self explanatory. I think I'm overlooking the simple question its asking me. I'm here, waiting. I wish I didnt think of myself so much. This is so bothersome. God, I miss you. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just standing there. I literally am in the Middle of Nowhere.